Real Men Use Whips (Or, "Whatever Happened to the Old School?")

"Belmonts live by two rules: Run Right, and Kill Everything"

After the somber, possibly even overly-sentimental, heavy material of my last entry, I thought I might touch on something a bit lighter, but still dear to my heart.

But let me preface by saying...

Modern gamers are just spoiled, babied pussies.

Why does the Bard say this? Well, that's a complicated answer, but in short, let's start with some background information:

The Bard is a diehard fan of Castlevania as a franchise. He has been since the very early nineties, when on his old Ninetendo Entertainment System (one of the damned finest pieces of technology ever wrought by human hands!) he picked up (in a trend that would travel with him all his gaming life to date), Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse -- the trend being a noted habit of playing sequels before originals.

Now, this will not be a long retrospective on a franchise nearly old as I am, you can find a good number of those elsewhere on the web, and nor will this be covering in-depth the series known in its native Japan as Demon Castle Dracula (well, once the real name, Akumajo Dracula, is translated into English, at least), as there are equally plentiful sources for the good reader to learn of the series if they do not know of it.


No, this is mainly concerning some things I've heard scattered around various web sounding boards on the newest release in this venerable franchise, Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia.

It seems that the game is too hard and thus, to some pansy-assed minds, sucks.

Now hey, as I said previously, I'm a big fan of peoples' rights to their opinions, and their rights to express them in a public forum such as cyberspace.

But by the same ticket, I have the right to call them whiny fucking pussies for their opinions.

See, I recently purchased a Nintendo DS -- a holiday gift to myself, and I am loving the quirky little system -- my opinions of Nintendo's place in the current generation of the Console Wars may not be very generous, but I will never deny they have always ruled like fat little kings over the portable handheld market -- and with the little system with its quaint two screens and its touch-screen stylus, I bought a copy of Ecclesia.

"What a terrible night to have a curse."

Curse, indeed.. especially if that curse is being too much of a student of the modern age to not appreciate good, old-fashioned, old school gaming. Especially if they are quote-unquote "experts" on the series.

If they were experts like they claim, they'd know that Ecclesia is a shout-out to we old guards of gaming the likes I've not seen since Magic: the Gathering's "Time Spiral" block.

Those of us not too young to remember (and too lazy to look into the hobby's history or a franchise's past) will know the ways of Old School well. We didn't have the flashy, newfangled high-polygon count models or digital FMV -- fuck, I can remember when FMV was a mark of almost-assured craptitude! -- to sell games. They had to sell themselves on merits of gameplay (something I wish more games would actually do, these days) or in the very least a hot license to sucker in the mass-market on what was generally a sub-par cash-in (something alive and well today that I wish would take a long walk off a short cliff). The magic balance was key -- the game could not roll over and die -- but nor could it make you put your blocky little non-ergonomic controller into your huge, bulky television's screen.

....well it could, but that did tend to hurt sales all-around since good televisions cost a pretty penny even then.

Modern gamers expect to have anything not involving a puzzle roll over and die for them if they mash a few buttons. They expect games to yield to them so as not to bruise their pretty little egos. So when a game comes along that has that magic balance, and actually expects you to kick ass old-school and not just blindly swing at something until its dead, maybe interspacing the odd block or dodge for flavoring to break button-mashing monotony... it must suck!

No my friend.. the game does not suck... you just suck.

But as I said, if you need to be able to effortlessly rape a game ten ways to next Thursday to be able to feel big about your "leet skillz".. that's your business.

Just don't belittle one of the best games I've played in ages because it beat your pussy ass and hurt your widdle feewings, and don't try to pass yourself off as an 'expert' if you can't say three sentences without sending up poseur flags to all of us real veterans.

Just go play God of War on Mortal mode again. Kratos will hide his scorn for you.

But the Bard will not!

"Hear me, Dracula! I am the morning sun, come to vanquish this horrible night!"

See? Less serious!

Regards, and be excellent to each other.

Milestones

"Remember, remember, the Fifth of November,
The gunpowder, treason and plot.

I can think of no reason
Why the gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot."

Lest we forget....

Tomorrow, January 20th, 2009 will be a milestone.

The first African-American President of the United States of America Will take office, and the first Democratic Chief of State we've had here in the U.S. of A. in eight long, ugly years.

Thank fucking gods for that.

It's a historic milestone, for certain, and as I find myself growing older, I find myself realizing I truly am suffering the old Chinese curse:

"May you live in interesting times."

Most people say that every generation has their own milestone. The day they'll never forget. December 7th, 1941. July 16th, 1969. November 9th, 1989. September 11th, 2001.

I was alive for those last two, though the first of the final pair is a little fuzzy to me due to relative youth and cultural isolation (Appalachia in the Eighties, remember).

Is there a point to this?

Actually yes, but again, I tend to be long-winded and circular in my discourses. And if any of those dates are not familiar... and you're an American.... just.. Wiki it. My sentiments on the sad sack state of public education is a Howling Mad for another day.

(What's a Howling Mad? Well, the context should make it obvious, but if obviousness isn't your strong suit good reader -- you'll find out in due time when I post one.)

ahem

What this is all about -- aside to wish our new President health, prosperity, and above all success -- I voted for you, Sir, and I have faith in you and in the fact this country might yet be salvaged and even put back where it belongs in the global stage -- is to comment on something I muse about often in Meatspace.

My generation, those of us born in the early 1980s, are going to be the last generation who can clearly remember many things.

- Video arcades (they're getting ever-rarer with each year)

- How the world was before Personal Computers became popular.

- In my case, life before cable television.

- What life was like before we had the INTERNET (ye gods, that's probably the biggie right there!)

And I could probably go on. Technologically, the human race has progressed more in the past two decades than we had previously in the past two millenia combined. It's a scary thing to think about at times, but also.. quietly exhilarating. Last year, someone managed a working jet-pack. There is powered armor/mecha in the works, to a functional (if not anime-sized) degree in multiple laboratories. Cloning and stem-cell research promises to make Jurassic Park exactly what its creators called it in 1993: Not science fiction but a science eventuality.

And so much more.

But yes, so many milestones. So many things that will be forgotten if they're not remembered, not recorded, somewhere.

To those not familiar, in essence, that's what a bard is (despite the fact the true purpose only gets a tiny shred of recognition in the Dungeons and Dragons Third Edition character class); a bard is a lorekeeper, a tale-teller. A living memory of his or her peoples' oral traditions.

This bard's gone digital.

But yes.. President Obama.. best of luck, and I look forward to putting in another vote of good confidence in four years.

The rest of you? Never forget what you alone may still remember. No matter how trivial that pizza place that closed may seem, or how inconsequential that little moment of happiness with your college buddies might appear....

"Little things used to mean so much to Shelley. I used to thing they were so trivial. But believe me... nothing's trivial."

Regards, and be excellent to each other

Beginnings

"There are more things in Heaven and on Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophies."

Who am I? Now that's a tricky question, and one that I will not attempt to arrogantly answer with simple exposition. Perhaps that mystery will be unveiled fully in time to you, my (eventual?) readers. For now, I am the Bluegrass Bard, or to some, the Bluegrass Beast, in fact a beastly bard.. or perhaps a bardic beast?

Ah, rambling again. That's the first bit of my Nature (and my Demeanour.. a little gaming humor) that I shall reveal. But this would be the medium for it, now wouldn't it?

Regardless....

I, the Bard who Howls from the Hills (of southeast Kentucky -- look, see there, another little tidbit! Isn't this fun?), will be your guide through my social conscious (and conscience). And be warned now, I am a passionate, opinionated bastard. If you don't agree with my views, some of the things I say may be offensive.

Tough shit, friend. My first little bit of the whole conscious/conscience? I fucking despise censorship. Its a violation of my gods-given (yes, that's not a typo, I did say gods-given) right as an American who still gives a shit what being an American used to stand for before the outgoing administration perverted and corrupted it into the disaster we're seeing played out before us on the news now.

See? I probably just offended a good portion of our Republican readers right there! Don't worry, even though I nominally am one, I'll be sure to make a comment offensive to at least some demographic of Democrat eventually.

Promise!

Rambling again. You were warned. I'm told, by the only direct sources I've ever met personally, that I can lay that habit at the feet of my Cherokee blood.

Why am I doing this? Bloody bum-fucking boredom largely. A very long-time friend of mine, DeadlyGlories, gave me a link and suggested it. So you know...

It's all her fault!

Just kidding DG.

Mission statement? Yeah.. we'll see if I pay enough attention to this in a month to bother before we figure that one out. It'll all evolve organically I suppose. We'll leave it here for now, before I end up writing half a novel with my ramblings.

Regards, and be excellent to each other.